Usually, I hide and my son tries to find me.
Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t.
He gets frustrated and pleads with me to reveal myself.
But, with you, Lord – it’s a whole other game.
The ultimate hide and seek – like it’s never been played before!
You are always the seeker
You search for me and you always find me.
Not just the location of where I am “out there” –
When I sit in my recliner chair watching a bit of telly,
When I stand to get another cup of coffee.
When I pop out to the shop because we’re short of butter,
When I lie down at the end of my 10 min yoga
And stare at the ceiling cracks and just pause.
You also search where I am “in here” – in my core.
You know me better than I know myself.
All my one-liners – you’re a step ahead of me and smile in anticipation.
The “well done” to a colleague, you know it’s imminent.
When I shout angrily at my child, you know my frustration.
When I apologise later and tell him I love him – you are there in that reconciliation.
Every breath I take, every move I make*
You’re there.
Just there, watching over me.
Not steering me or confining me
Not stalking me or controlling me
But cheering me on and encouraging me
Giving me that amazing resilience – a tenacity beyond what I believed possible.
Helping me to bounce back quickly after disappointments,
While standing alongside me
With your deep empathy and compassion in those tough times.
Reaching out your hand just to hold onto mine when I’m in spiralling into black holes
And then – gently when I’m ready – helping to haul me out of them.
It’s difficult for me to get my head around it all.
Why would you even care like this about me?
I can test your commitment to the limits
But you never let me down.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
When I get sucked into online games
And the compelling addiction of them
That absorbs the whole evening
In an empty, unfulfilling way.
When I drink a little too much wine
To drown out the challenges of the day
And don’t give a damn any more.
When I seek mindless filling of my inner yearning
And feel restless with a lack of something…
There you are!
Beholding and enfolding me.
Still alongside me.
Patiently waiting for me
To find my way back to you
As you draw me to yourself.
Why?
Because you created me.
Right from the very first moment of casting on the stitches
And forming a new pattern –
A unique and beautiful once-off design
Never to be repeated
Knitted with care and gentleness
Nurtured into shape.
Every bit of who I am
Absolutely intended by you, the designer.
Your purposes and thoughts for me
Clear to you
With the hope of them also becoming
Clear to me.
Like grains of sand
All the countless possibilities
And directions
And encounters
And influences
That I might have.
My head can’t get around
How mind-blowing that is.
I am pained by the evil and war in the world
By those who intentionally inflict hurt on others
And find perverse joy in that:
Enemies of your love.
I ask you to challenge them.
Bring your light into the darkness of their minds.
Give me courage to be their challenger
When I have that chance.
Search me, God, and know my heart.
Challenge me and know my anxious thoughts
[And I have plenty of those – as you know.
Especially when I suffer from the niggling imposter syndrome
Which persists in the margins of my shadow
And holds me back from all that I can be].
Heal and purify all that is not yet bright in me.
Shine your light on me and through me
Lead me to be fully all that you made me to be –
This one-off unique design
That is me!
* Lines from a song sung by Sting (my sister is a big fan!)